Coleen Rooneys gilded life is a warning to other would-be wags who fancy a luxurious lifestyle on a footballers arm

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Coleen Rooney has a private Instagram account with 367 followers

GIVEN that its not Brexit and therefore a welcome diversion from the relentlessly depressing groundhog day of political debate, I find myself uncommonly fascinated by Wag-gate.

First, by the news that Coleen Rooney has a private Instagram account with 367 followers (or probably 366 now, given recent events).

As she puts photos of her kids/house etc on her public Instagram (838k followers), what does she post on the other one X-rays of her lower bowel?

And second, by the spotlight her fallout with Rebekah Vardy has shone into the depressingly empty corners of the wag life to which so many foolishly aspire.

They see it as a gilded existence. Dining at the best restaurants with no fear of the bill, top-of-the-range cars, a swanky mansion with his and hers dressing rooms, endless holidays in far-flung locations…what could possibly go wrong?

Well, once the novelty of all that excess wears off, quite a lot actually. First of all, there’s the endless stream of other women throwing themselves at the husband you just have to hope is the kind who doesn’t stray.

Wags see life as a gilded existence - dining at the best restaurants with no fear of the bill, top-of-the-range cars, a swanky mansion

Wags see life as a gilded existence – but there can be tears too

Then there are the long absences through training/playing, coupled with the expectation that any ambition you might have will be subsumed under the far more important business of football.

With a few notable exceptions, the wives and girlfriends of Premier League players are expected to be trophy wives, holding the fort at home while filling the hours of emptiness with shopping, gym visits and lunch with other wags, where they indulge in a spot of mutual bitching about whoever is not in attendance.

Coleen, we now know, also busied herself with years of painstaking blocking and unblocking of personal followers to work out which friend was leaking stories.

FAKE TITBITS

After posting fake titbits such as a basement flood or possibly appearing on Strictly (the pinnacle of wagbition) she gradually worked out that the mole was using… Rebekah Vardys account.

Cue a Twitter explosion, rolling news bulletins and the moniker Wagatha Christie which cast the Queen of Wags in a whole new light.

According to former wag Lizzie Cundy, Coleen is very intelligent, very bright.

In which case, Im now fantasising that, far from being the downtrodden wife who has turned a blind eye to her husband Waynes marital indiscretions in exchange for her latest luxury holiday, she is in fact a Machiavellian mastermind with a voluminous file marked secret, a pitbull divorce lawyer on speed-dial and a hidden mission that once the kids have left home she’s going to take him for everything.

THE DEPRESSING TRUTH

The depressing truth, one suspects, is that while Coleen has deployed her feminine wiles to great effect in her bid to flush out the leak about her, er, basement leak, she has filed them under nothing to see when it comes to her own husbands bad behaviour.

Thats the trade-off shes presumably made in exchange for the Queen Wag status, limitless credit and 48 squillion luxury holidays a year.

That aside, one wonders whether the tiniest scintilla of regret is now seeping into her seemingly intransigent mind about going public with her accusation and unleashing the trolls of hell on the heavily pregnant and clearly distressed Rebekah?

Particularly as it may turn out to be someone else with access to her account?

Time, and further evidence, will tell.

In the meantime, anyone aspiring to be a wag should watch and learn. Be careful what you wish for.

In the meantime aspiring wags should watch and learn and be careful what you wish for

In the meantime aspiring wags should watch and learn and be careful what you wish for

 

TWO families have filed a class action lawsuit against the makers of online game Fortnite, claiming that it is deliberately designed to be addictive to young brains.

When the game first emerged a couple of years ago and I heard people lamenting the time their kids spent on it, my response was always, just pull

the plug out.

Two families have filed a class action lawsuit against the makers of online game Fortnite claiming it is designed to be addictive to young brains

Two families have filed a class action lawsuit against the makers of online game Fortnite claiming it is designed to be addictive to young brains

But I don’t have sons and since then I have spoken to enough despairing parents to know that its a real problem in all too many homes were harder-to-control teenage boys are particularly susceptible to its addictive qualities.

One mother told me that her recurring dilemma lay between chucking it out and knowing that doing so would lead to him being ostracised or bullied

by his tribe of fellow Fortniters at school, who aspire to be professional gamers.

Whether the legal case will solve anything is uncertain, but at least it will highlight a very modern scourge affecting thousands of families who feel they have lost someone to an addiction as powerful and debilitating as some drugs.

Ban it all, even fun

HEALTH chief Dame Sally Davies wants to ban the eating of snacks on trains in a bid to cut the nations burgeoning obesity crisis.

While she’s at it, can she ban gigantic hot dogs, nachos and those skip-sized slurpy drinks in cinemas too?

Spoilsport Health chief Dame Sally Davies wants to ban the eating of snacks on trains in a bid to cut the nations burgeoning obesity crisis

Spoilsport Health chief Dame Sally Davies wants to ban the eating of snacks on trains in a bid to cut the nations burgeoning obesity crisis

Nothing to do with obesity I just want to watch the damn film in peace.

Tough Justice

THE US diplomats wife accused of causing the head-on crash that killed teenager Harry Dunn has issued a statement via her lawyers in which she expresses a wish to meet his family to apologise and take responsibility.

Harrys parents, Charlotte and Tim, want her to return to the UK to face justice but, for the authorities, the burning question is can she can be forced to do so?

For me, its why as a parent herself she wouldn’t want to.

Clause of strife to Alice

BBC science presenter Alice Roberts was shocked to find a question about a fronted non-finite clause in her daughter’s homework.

For the record, her daughter is nine.

BBC science presenter Alice Roberts was shocked to find a degree level question in her daughters homework

BBC science presenter Alice Roberts was shocked to find a degree-level question in her daughter’s homework

Alice didn’t know what it is. Nor do I, and nor for that matter did someone with a first-class degree in English.

Apparently, a non-finite clause is a subordinate clause that is based on a to-infinitive or a participle.

Ah, that explains it. Not.

If this turgid method of teaching grammar is commonplace, little wonder so many young kids switch off and leave school not knowing they’re from their.

They should of been taught better.

And yes, that is a joke.

Gail force

GAIL BRADBROOK is a founder of Extinction Rebellion, the activist group stopping the rest of the capital city from getting to work on time.

She says she saw the light after flying to Costa Rica (carbon footprint of 2.6tonnes) and taking a hallucinogenic shrub that she claims rewired her brain and gave her the codes for social change.

Gail Bradbrook is a founder of Extinction Rebellion, the activist group stopping the rest of the capital city from getting to work on time

Gail Bradbrook is a founder of Extinction Rebellion, the activist group stopping the rest of the capital city from getting to work on time

She says: I lay down and a voice that felt very external to me said, Gail, you create your own reality.

You can say that again.

Depressing, not a chance

AFTER extensive analysis, 1978 has been deemed the most depressing year in Britain in two centuries.

Not for me it wasn’t.

‘The ‘Winter of Discontent’ wasn’t depressing and I could afford to buy a pair of Olivia Newton-Johns skin-tight trousers from Chelsea Girl’

There might have been mass strikes and the legendary Winter of Discontent, but I was 16 years old, had oodles of collagen, no cellulite, no responsibilities, a cute boyfriend whose name now escapes me and my whole life ahead.

Whats more, the movie Grease was released and my summer job in a fishing tackle shop meant I could afford to buy a pair of Olivia Newton-Johns skin-tight trousers from Chelsea Girl.

What’s not to love?

 

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