EMOJIS have become a new language.
Which is a worry for me as a man whose living depends on writing the Queens.
When I get a text from my daughter it takes about 18 hours to work out what shes going on about. Its like trying to decipher hieroglyphics on the Egyptian pyramids. Now emojis have infiltrated the world of motorsport.
I was lucky enough to test Hondas BTCC (British Touring Car Championship) race car at Silverstone the other day and I noticed it had four face emojis on the steering wheel. But in all fairness, they did the job.
Smiley face (setting 2) is the cool down mode which pulses the engine in the pits.
Winky face with tongue (setting 3) and red grimacing face (setting 4) as one might expect are the balls-to-the-wall race modes, with the last one being slightly more Asbo. I liked them both.
Then theres neutral face (setting 1) which dulls the throttle response in the wet. I didnt bother with that one.
As for the rest of the switches on the dash? Sorry, I havent got the foggiest.
Someone did try to explain them all to me but this thing has more buttons than a Nasa flightdeck and I just sat there thinking: Youre wasting your time, pal. Just show me how to make it stop and go. And then it was play time.
With a clunk, I selected first gear and rolled down the pit lane on to a track still greasy from overnight frost. In a 230,000 race car? On slick tyres? Yikes.
Needless to say, the next ten minutes were a huge rush. A mixture of wonder and fear. This thing is quick. Really quick. Three hundred and fifty horsepower and a bit more quick. But with less grip than Bambi.
I didnt want to be the mug that binned it. Thankfully, I didnt.
Speed in a straight line is one thing but its how you make a BTCC car dance that slashes lap times. How you make the front end work.
And by that I mean using left foot braking to pitch the weight over the front wheels to maximise grip in a corner. Actually, scrub that, to get any grip in a tight corner in these conditions.
So how did I do? Ill let triple BTCC champ and Team Dynamics boss Matt Neal answer that as we look at the data.
He said: Not bad, not bad at all. You listened. Youre very smooth and progressive and self-controlled, which you need to be in these conditions.
Your speed is not too dissimilar to Dan (Cammish) through the right, left complex and down Hangar Straight but he holds on to it for a bit longer.
A little bit of that will be confidence in the brakes and confidence in the grip levels. It does look shiny through Stowe but there is a lot of grip there. Through the apex, hes doing 124 and youre doing 109.
Ill take that. This is Dans office. Hes a pro. Im a keyboard warrior.
Thank you, Honda. (Insert clapping hands emoji here).
Thank you, Team Dynamics. (Insert flexed biceps emojis here).
Honda keeps things simple
I LIKE Honda because it keeps things simple.
Whereas the Germans have enough models to fill an Argos catalogue twice over, the Japanese have just four family cars.
I repeat, four and four good ones at that.
The Jazz is unashamedly aimed at knitting nanas, bingo-hall runs and the population of Eastbourne. Its rock solid.
The HR-V is Hondas small crossover with magic seats in the back. They fold up easily to let tall items stand in the rear footwells.
The CR-V, Hondas larger SUV, has a boot big enough to swallow Jeremy Corbyns hate mail. And its a hybrid. You see? Simple.
And then we come to the Civic, understandably Hondas big seller because it covers all the bases so beautifully well.
Its an excellent front-wheel-drive hatchback in regular form, which gives rise to the greatest hot hatch of the modern era in the shape of the whale-tail Type R.
Yes, it looks like a boy racers wet dream but it is a sublime bit of kit.
And that brings me to the white EX Sport Line you see here. It has the same look as a Type R, just minus the massive insurance bill and juicy running costs.
Indeed, the 24,510 Sport Line is powered by a little 1-litre three-cylinder engine with 126 horses.
This does not make it anything like quick, but its a willing, smooth and sweet-sounding engine thats good on fuel, so Ill give it a thumbs-up here.
A 1,000 premium over the plain-Jane top-spec Civic EX brings in the sporty body kit, different 17in alloys and an interior with its own jazzy trim.
That does make it a bit pricey overall, though, because dropping nearly 25 large on this seems a bit tasty.
Luckily, youll be able to add Sport Line spec to the lower-grade SR soon, so thatll lower the price.
Anyway, two-stage dampers give the Civic Sport Line a comfy ride and also sharp handling, while the six-speed manual gearbox is a dream avoid the CVT.
In fact, apart from a touch too much road noise, this Civic Sport Line is good, simple fun in an appealing package. Good work, Honda.
